Your dad touched me again.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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