i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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