Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
