i was born a porn star she said
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
