ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we have pet lesbian snakes
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
