Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
