i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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