do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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