I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
