im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
