I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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