well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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