just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
