i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
