I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
