Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
