I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
