I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
