Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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