girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
