So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
How's work?
Spinning.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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