I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just had sex bonerless
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize