I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
