meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
someone threw a dead crab at me
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
