Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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