in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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