hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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