Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
