I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
