I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
