She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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