i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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