my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
