i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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