New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
