His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
