I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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