The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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