I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize