you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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