i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
In America we eat man semen.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize