i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
