he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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