Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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