After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i dont even know how to be here
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
