You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
