My hand turned me down
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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