I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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