i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
honey bunches of taint.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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