maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
