Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
