I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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