God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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