Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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