Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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