I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
